Belonging Begins With an Invitation
And it begins with an invitation to the ones you didn’t expect {Plus new favorites and a NEW resource download!}
QUICK HIGHLIGHTS:
Register for my Reimagining Family Life with Disability workshop. This live, virtual workshop begins February 5.
In-Person Event—Dallas, TX {January 26}
Family Formation: What is “the good life” for our children?In-Person Event—Haddonfield, NJ {February 1}
Free seminar: Building community for adults with disabilities—Creating a Meaningful and Manageable Plan for a Good Future
The Heartbreak of Exclusion
One of the most heartbreaking aspects of being a mother is watching our kids get excluded. I’ve seen it at times for all three of them, but exclusion happens most regularly for Penny, our daughter who has Down syndrome. There were the years without invitations to birthday parties and getting-ready-before-the-event gatherings and sleepovers. There was the time I was with her to take pictures before a dance at school and no one asked if she wanted to stand by them and pose for the camera. There were the basketball games when she sometimes sat alone. There were the times she told me about sitting by herself in the cafeteria.
I watched those moments of exclusion, or heard about them, and I wanted to scream and cry and shake the other teenagers (the other awkward, trying-to-find-themselves-and-just-be-okay teenagers) and tell them that all they needed to do was say, “Hey, Pen, do you want to sit with us?” She won’t be a bother. I promise.
My anger was coupled with compassion. It feels risky to reach out to the person on the margins. It’s hard to know whether I’m keeping my position within the social group as it is. I get it. And yet I also know there’s a better way. I know there’s a way of belonging that blesses everyone.
I’m writing these words on Martin Luther King Day, and I’m aware that the exclusion many people have experienced within the United States—Black people, other people of color, disabled people, members of the LGBTQ+ community—has been far worse than the loneliness our daughter experienced at a basketball game. I’m grateful for the past 60 years of legislating and living out a new way of coming together.
Our family has been the willing recipient of a school system rebuilt on inclusion, where Penny had the same opportunities as her typical peers to learn and participate in sports and become a part of the community. And let’s be clear, there are a few standout teenagers who went out of their way to invite Penny to eat lunch and get ready for prom and hang out together.
Exclusion—In A Passive, Looks-Nice Way—Still Reigns
Still, it’s almost embarrassing to acknowledge how important those individuals have been. I’ve recorded each and every one of those singular invitations in my journal, with desperate hope that more will follow. I don’t even want to admit the number of prayers we’ve prayed for friendship. Or the rawness of my heart when those prayers seem to go unanswered time and again.
In general, on a social level, exclusion—in a passive, looks-nice way—still reigns. None of these kids (or their parents, back in the day when the parents had more to do with the inviting) intentionally wants to exclude Penny. None of them are mean or rude.
And, at the same time, none of them wants to take the risk to issue an invitation. None of them wants to tolerate her presence, much less include her, much less do the risky, vulnerable work of creating a space of belonging.
Belonging Begins Here
Jesus tells a story in the Gospel of Luke (chapter 14) where he says when we throw a party, we should start by inviting all the people who are the least likely to be invited. In his words, invite “the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind.” He goes on to say that after they’ve been invited, the host should go on out and invite everyone else.
Jesus isn’t saying that only one group of people belongs. He’s saying that the only way everyone ends up at the party is if you start by inviting the ones who haven’t belonged in the past, the ones who get overlooked and forgotten, the ones who don’t have high social status, the ones on the outskirts.
Belonging begins with an invitation. And it begins with an invitation to the ones you didn’t expect.
My friend and colleague Erik Carter created a wheel of belonging to help churches assess their willingness to fully incorporate people with disabilities within their congregations.
I find the wheel helpful in all sorts of institutional and social spaces. Technically, his wheel begins with presence, and it is worth considering whether we ever reside in spaces without people with disabilities or other social differences. But the next spoke of the wheel is “invited.” It seems to me that belonging begins here, with an invitation to participate, to connect, to engage.
I’m looking for opportunities to issue invitations. I’m teaching my kids the power of invitations. And I’m grateful for the stories like Luke 14 that remind me that we are all invited, as we are, to feast at God’s table.
How have you experienced the power of invitations? I’d love to hear from you.
Blessings,
Amy Julia
P.S. Keep scrolling for recent favorites—a novel, a show, a podcast, and essays!
FREE RESOURCE! FROM EXCLUSION TO BELONGING
Our communities tend to exist on a continuum, from exclusion to tolerance to inclusion to belonging.
I have a free illustrated guide that will help you create spaces of welcome and belonging. Get the download!
Reimagining Family Life with Disability Workshop
Is your family affected by disability? Many of us parents experience similar emotions, similar anxieties, similar fears. We’re navigating similar worries and asking the same questions:
Am I doing enough for my child?
Will our family always feel isolated?
What will the future look like?
Does our family matter?
How can I connect with our community?
Is our family a burden?
How do I plan for the future?
Will I ever stop feeling overwhelmed?
How do I get un-stuck?
Where does my child belong?
If you feel discouraged and stuck, join me in February for my live, virtual workshop, and together let’s reimagine family life with disability. Register today and take 25% off with code FEB25 at checkout! Here’s what one participant said:
“I have felt discouraged and stuck, and the invitation to ‘Reimagine’ seemed like a lifeline—hope that a new perspective for our family was possible. I definitely received that and more!”
Please share this with a friend!
Recent Favorites
Book: The Life Impossible by Matt Haig.
I’m enjoying The Life Impossible by Matt Haig. It’s kind of like a British version of magical realism, with some metaphysics thrown in alongside compelling characters and a little bit of intrigue. I loved Midnight Library, also by Haig, and this novel also prompts me to think about regret, eternity, and what really matters right now.
Show: Gentleman in Moscow.
Peter and I just finished this lovely 8-episode telling of Amor Towles bestselling novel. I liked the show even more than the book, especially in the way it explores love, loyalty, and humanity.
Essay: This Day Calls for Martin Luther King’s Vision.
I’m grateful for the life and witness of Dr. Martin Luther King to the transformative power of hope. (And grateful to Esau McCaulley for pointing it out in this essay):
“If Dr. King’s life taught us anything, it is that hope is most useful when the evidence runs the other way toward despair. Set against dark times, hope points us toward something better.”
Essay: The Anti-Social Century
We aren't just lonely, we are also designing a world in which we do more and more things alone. There's so much important thought in this article about the way technological changes (the car and the television in particular) have shaped (and deformed) our world.
I was particularly struck by the thought that we've become closer to our very immediate circles of people and to the broad "tribes" with whom we associate online, but more and more distant from our villages, the local communities of people who might disagree with us politically but with whom we have shared needs. It got me thinking about how to connect and participate more within my own village. It strikes me that both churches (and other faith communities) and schools are great ways to participate in a village. And it got me thinking about how the people who are the most affected by our increasing social isolation are the ones already most vulnerable.
Podcast: James Clear: Building & Changing Habits (#183 rebroadcast).
I listened to a podcast last week about goal-setting, and I loved one way James Clear and Peter Attia talked about how you move forward with a goal in mind. They talked about how all you need to know is “A, B, and Z.” You need to know A, which is to say, you need to know where you are right now. You need to know Z, your ultimate desired destination. Other than that, all you need to know is B, the next step to take. (And then you figure out C, and D, and on down the line, keeping Z in view.)
Movie: Barbie.
On Monday afternoon, with both girls home from school, we didn't watch the inauguration. We didn't talk about the legacy of Dr. King. We snuggled up on the couch and made popcorn and watched Barbie. I thought I was letting us ignore the inauguration, and I felt guilty about also ignoring the significance of MLK Day. As it turned out, watching a satire that denounces the patriarchy meant watching a social commentary both on Dr. King's legacy and on Donald Trump's Presidency. Assuming you've seen it before, I recommend watching Barbie again, especially as masculinity seems to reassert itself.
What are some of your recent favorites?
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