The Myth of the Perfect Family—and the Truth of Love
How to find freedom from the myth we keep chasing {Plus 1 fun thing, 4 things worth your time, and 1 thing I'm pondering}
If your family is anything like mine, you have some area in your house where holiday cards accumulate until we decide it is time to recycle them, or, as happened this year, our daughter Penny decides to take them all up to her room and look through a few each day for the rest of the year.
We love these little snapshots of families and friends from around the country and around the world, but I'm also always aware that these cards don't tell even the beginning of the whole story. And I wonder how much those cards, and the images we see daily on Instagram and Facebook, contribute to a misunderstanding of American family life. I wonder how much they create a shiny, happy ideal that doesn't reflect how most of us actually experience family.
I invited author and theologian
(PhD, University of Dayton) to join me on the podcast to examine the question:What if the perfect family doesn’t exist—and what if it never was supposed to?
LISTEN OR WATCH: Apple 🎧 | Spotify 🎧 | YouTube 🎬
We explore:
the idealized version of the American family
the misconceptions surrounding a biblical blueprint for family
creating a home centered on love, not expectations
apprenticing ourselves to love through daily household practices
Here are a few practical insights that Emily offers households (and it’s helpful to note that households in her definition “are not limited to just the biological nuclear family… [They] can be multigenerational households of married and single, with or without children).”
1. Let go of the "ideal" family myth.
The “ideal” American family is a recent cultural model. It’s not a biblical blueprint for blessing or a promise of happiness.
An invitation: Resist measuring your home against a TV-script ideal. Instead, name and celebrate the actual gifts of your household.
2. Jesus redefines what a full life looks like.
Jesus—unmarried, childless, without property—did not embody the typical vision of "success" in his day (or ours). Emily points out:
“He demonstrates that the fullness of human life doesn’t actually require all of the things that we tend to occupy most of our time, attention, and effort with, especially in the American culture.”
An invitation: Reflect on the ways your household might be called to embody love and hospitality outside conventional milestones.
3. Homes are for love, not status.
Home is not just where we live. It’s where we become “apprentices to love,” compassion, and radical hospitality. Love is formed not in competitions for superiority but in the mundane, like cereal bowls, laundry piles, and sibling squabbles.
An invitation: Shift family goals from perfection and appearance to formation and faithfulness. What practices help your household grow in love?
4. Subversion is part of the household calling.
Families are called not to blend in but to quietly subvert the surrounding culture by living differently—prioritizing love, presence, and community over hurry, consumption, and constant productivity. Subversion doesn’t have to be loud. It can look like lingering around a dinner table, choosing connection over convenience. When our homes become places of peace, they quietly challenge the chaos outside.
An invitation: Set aside a block of time to go screen-free and obligation-free, where your household can intentionally slow down and embody a different set of values. Take a walk, read, nap, or be together without doing or buying. Even a few hours of rest or connection can push back against the dominant narratives.
I hope you’ll listen (or watch), and then share this episode with a friend. And I want to hear from you. Have you ever felt tempted to measure your life against the myth of the perfect American family? What has helped you break free from that myth? Reply to this email or leave a comment! I read every reflection from you. Also, Emily’s book, Households of Faith, is encouraging, thoughtful, and practical. Check it out!
Amy Julia
P.S. Keep reading for 1 fun thing, 4 things worth your time, and 1 thing I'm pondering. And if the Reimagining the Good Life podcast has been helpful to you, would you take a moment to rate and review the show on your favorite podcast platform? Your feedback helps more listeners find these interviews that challenge assumptions about the good life, proclaim the inherent belovedness of every human being, and help envision a world of belonging where everyone matters. Plus, we love hearing what you think! Thank you!
Small Talk
LEARNING FROM MY CHILDREN ABOUT WHAT MATTERS MOST
This book of short chapters contains reflections prompted from my young children’s curiosity and comments about everyday life. As I confront my own limits and my own brokenness as an imperfect mom, I learn that limitations, properly understood, lead to love.
1 Fun Thing
Penny has given me permission to tell you that she has a boyfriend! And I finally got to see a picture of him. They go to school together, so I haven’t met him in person, but I do know they are good friends who have fun conversations, enjoy playing Uno, and do not share the same taste in music, although she tells me she has gotten him into Taylor Swift.
It has also been really sweet to watch Penny grow up in this area. She had a boyfriend in high school, and without getting into details, it was a bit dramatic. She was really careful in assessing this relationship and talked about how she wanted to date him but she didn’t want to hurt him or hurt their friendship. She’s been great about setting good boundaries and asking for help from trusted adults in navigating some ups and downs. I still can’t believe I’m getting photos texted to me from my daughter with her BOYFRIEND, but I can say I’m grateful that she’s growing up with thoughtfulness and kindness.
4 Things Worth Your Time
BOOK: The Gardener and the Carpenter by Alison Gopnik
The premise of this book is simple: parents aren’t carpenters who construct their children into finished and predictable products. Rather, we are gardeners who help create conditions for ongoing growth and flourishing that is unpredictable and beautiful and based on love. Despite the simplicity, Gopnik does a wonderful job of exploring why it matters that we behave as gardeners, not carpenters, how we can change our approach to being a parent (she doesn’t believe in using parent as a verb), and how our entire society needs a reorientation if we are going to thrive.
ESSAY: “Baby Is Healed With World’s First Personalized Gene-Editing Treatment”
Disability does not equal suffering, but there is often a lot of suffering associated with disability. Sometimes that suffering comes from the society that excludes and stigmatizes, and other times it comes from physical pain and mental distress caused by the disability itself. It is good to seek to alleviate suffering, whether that suffering comes as a result of social norms or physical/mental conditions. This essay offers a beautiful example of the way gene therapy can help alleviate suffering, promote flourishing, and prolong life.
ESSAY: “The 'R-word,' embraced by Joe Rogan and Elon Musk, inches back into the mainstream”
Here's yet another post about the uptick in usage of the r-word. What's most interesting (and perhaps upsetting) to me is the point she makes about how the use of the word is increasing on both sides of the political aisle. I guess the good news is that it is also being repudiated on both sides? Either way, choosing language with care is not about political correctness or policing speech. It's about living with respect for the dignity and worth of others.
SUBSTACK: Six Trends Threatening People with Disabilities
I’m grateful for
’s concise and straightforward summary of the many ways recent government decisions will affect people with disabilities and our families. I also appreciate his conclusion:“when all else is stripped away, when systems and institutions are stripped away, what remains are freely-given relationships.
It’s what we choose to do for one another on a person-to-person level, without waiting for permission or payment, that truly endures. These relationships are not just a pathway back to justice and an anchor to support us through uncertainty, but they are the only hope that enables us to avoid injustice in the first place. No matter what happens, our willingness to see, serve, and stand with one another is the clearest measure and greatest hope for a more humanizing approach to justice and mercy.”
1 Thing I’m Pondering
What happens when our identities emerge from resting in the love of God rather than obeying the demands of our cultural gods? Walter Brueggemann writes at the end of his book, Delivered Into Covenant, that the book of Exodus is all about Sabbath rest. It’s about how the Israelites couldn’t receive rest until they were outside Pharaoh's dominion. And about how the invitation to rest in the love of God moves us into a new way of being. According to Brueggemann, the way of Pharaoh is a way of anxiety, acquisitiveness, and relentless productivity. The Israelites can never make enough bricks. They can never satisfy the demands on them. They can never feel secure. And Pharaoh will never have enough.
In contrast, the way of YHWH is a way of peace, abundance, and creativity. Themes from the Genesis story of creation run through the book of Exodus, and run in contrast to the self-destructive way of Pharaoh. (The plagues, for instance, are often seen as a sign of decreation, an undoing of God’s good work.)
When we rest in the love of God, we receive the peace of knowing that we don’t have to prove ourselves in order to belong. We live in abundance, where there is enough time, enough money, enough food, enough care for all. This peace and abundance doesn’t leave us lazy or without purpose. Rather, this way gives us a different motivation for our work. Rather than working as creatures striving to produce, we work as image-bearers who reflect the goodness of God.
What about you?
What are you pondering, reading, watching, or listening to these days?
🎙Listen to the podcast Apple | Spotify | YouTube | More
📰 Miss a week? Read past newsletters here.
📧 Questions or feedback? Leave a comment. I read every comment and email reply from you!
As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. So, if you use a link from here to purchase something I recommend, it sometimes earns me a small commission, which enables me to continue the work I do here. Thank you!
We attend a very small church. Sometimes no more than 30-40 people. Sometimes different people besides our pastor will bring the message. One particular Sunday a former pastor and church planter spoke. In his introduction he was making a comment about something, I can’t remember now, but he used the “r” word in reference to I guess some people would think I was “r” for _____. Again I cannot remember. But as soon as he said it he also said “ oh I guess I should not have said that”. I softly said no you shouldn’t along with a friend sitting next to me. My ID brother was with us that day. I grew up with that word referring to my brother. We are in our sixties now. It was common to use it but thankfully society had gotten away from it. That day I became so angry especially that this was in church from the pulpit. After a bit I could not concentrate on anything else he was saying. I looked at my husband and said we are leaving and we got up and walked out. Again we are in a very small church. It’s not like we could sneak out. Later that afternoon I had phone calls and texts from our pastor and other members of our church apologizing Eventually I had a long conversation with the speaker and he apologized. He also apologized in front of the whole church tho we were not there that day. the shocking thing is he told me that he has several ID relationships and has done work in the disabled community. He recognized he had made a huge mistake. But the word still resonates deep humiliation when used the way it was used. My brother attended a school in the 60s and 70s that was named—- Louisiana school for spastic children. That’s the way they were looked at then. Thankfully the name was eventually changed to Louisiana special education center. As family of disabled people, we are always more sensitive to the use of certain words than others. I am so sad and horrified that we are seeing a resurgence of the use of the R word.
I’m looking forward to reading her book. This topic has been top of my mind lately!