Why I'm Changing My Prepositions

Doing things "with" instead of "for" (Plus my recent favorites!)

Happy New Year!

We’ve taken down our tree and put away the gnomes and nutcrackers. The kids are back at school. We reviewed the highlights of the past year as a family. I’ve set goals and embarked upon Dry January. I also had a chance to talk with the Lucky Few podcast¹ about goal-setting in 2025, and when they asked me to articulate a goal related to our daughter Penny, who (as many of you know) has Down syndrome, I said that I want to change my prepositions. Instead of doing things “for” her, I want this to be a year of doing things “with” her.

I want to organize her room with her instead of for her. I want to bake and cook with her instead of for her. I want to set goals with her instead of for her. Yesterday, she wrote down a series of things she wants to do in the year ahead: use Uber, make a nail appointment, handle her own checking account, put her hair in a ponytail every day, improve her kitchen skills,² use the stove, and chop vegetables.³

I want to stand alongside her as she takes these steps forward. For Penny, for myself, for our other kids too—as we set goals, I want to both believe in the possibilities inherent in who we are and live within our human limitations.

In December, our son William and I had a chance to visit an exhibit in lower Manhattan featuring the work of Rachel Handlin, an artist who has Down syndrome. I learned about the exhibit through a profile in the New York Times. From the article, I expected to see a series of sculptures where Handlin portrayed the invisibility she experiences as a person with Down syndrome who is often overlooked and undervalued.

Those sculptures were present (and powerful—there’s a whole other essay to write about Penny’s similar experience of invisibility), but the focus of the exhibit was Handlin’s photography and the stories she tells of people with Down syndrome from around the globe who have completed their college degrees.

Confronted with the Possibility of a Different Narrative

I found myself comparing Penny to these other people with Down syndrome and wondering why she wasn’t doing the things they are doing. I started thinking I should have pushed her more, restricted the screens more, drilled her on vocabulary more. Thankfully, I’ve learned to notice my old ways of thinking, and pretty quickly I quelled that voice. Handlin’s stories of these young women and men with Down syndrome soon prompted me to consider the possibilities for Penny that I might easily overlook or fail to support. She confronted me with the possibility of a full and flourishing life.

For much of this first semester of Penny’s first experience of a college program, she has spent hours and hours after school at home staring at her computer or phone, watching YouTube videos and Netflix shows. It’s been lonely. And it has felt impossible to change.

Whether it’s the experience of depression or loneliness or anxiety or addiction, so many of us fall into thinking that nothing can ever change. And for those of us whose families are affected by disability, so many of us—myself included!—fall into a narrative of being overlooked, overwhelmed, and alone. Handlin’s exhibit reminded me to envision and live into a narrative of being significant, cared for, and connected.

So Penny and I sat down to talk about her goals for 2025. The number one goal she set for herself was not an academic one. Her number one goal is to become more socially connected. The number one way in which I want to stand alongside her in this coming year is in helping her develop social skills, understand social situations, and just hang out with people.

Penny has taken the first steps. She reached out to the leader of her school’s program to ask about forming an after-school club that meets weekly to help develop friendships. We’ll see what happens from here.

In February, I’ll be running my live, virtual workshop, Reimagining Family Life with Disability. This workshop helps parents and caregivers move from being:

• overwhelmed

• overlooked

• undervalued

to:

• knowing our family matters

• finding spaces of belonging

• taking the next step toward a good future for our family

I would love for you to join me! Register now and enjoy 25% off with code FEB25 at checkout.

Blessings,
Amy Julia

P.S. Keep scrolling for some recent favorites!

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Favorites

BOOKS:

Heretics Anonymous

Marilee and I have been enjoying Heretics Anonymous on car rides together. It’s the story of a group of high school students who decide to anonymously disrupt their Catholic school’s systems. It’s also a story about an atheist who confronts the hypocrisy and wisdom inherent within Christianity.

Fahrenheit 451

Marilee also prompted me to reread Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury’s novel from 1950 that anticipates so much of our culture today. The book is eerily prescient, with people absorbed by screens, listening to their own soundtrack through little devices in their ears, disconnected from one another and depressed as a result. It also holds out hope for the power of ideas and the beauty of stories.

PODCASTS:

What if Our Democracy Can’t Survive Without Christianity?

I was so intrigued by David French’s conversation with Jonathan Rauch. French, a self-described conservative evangelical, and Rauch, a self-described gay Jewish atheist, talk about Rauch’s new book (Cross Purposes: Christianity's Broken Bargain with Democracy) where he argues that we need Christianity in order for democracy to flourish.

Tom Holland on How Christianity Remade the World

I was also intrigued and encouraged by Bari Weiss’ conversation with Tom Holland about the way Christianity has shaped—and continues to shape—the western world and pretty much every aspect of the culture wars, including the parts that seem antithetical to it.

SHOWS:

Peter and I also made it through all of Slow Horses, a British crime drama (beware—there are some gory parts). If you like shows with crisp dialogue, intriguing backstories, and deep if infuriating humanity on display—not to mention suspense, drama, and spy stories—this show is for you.

If you use an Amazon link from this email to purchase something I recommend, it earns me a small commission, which enables me to continue the work I do here. So thank you!

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1. This episode includes a conversation with Penny at the end!

2. Penny recently showed me—and herself—what she can do when she’s given the time she needs.

3. I wrote a couple of years ago about the dignity of risk.